The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your
statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for
further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose
polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should
not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference,
and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the
next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off
considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must
they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the
resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the
theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
10. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 187 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Fri, Oct 29, 1999 (16:43) * 1 lines
Thos Jefferson, welcome to the 21st Century!
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 188 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Sat, Dec 25, 1999 (13:40) * 16 lines
Since he is on the air as I post this, I post it on his topic and hope for his speedy return to our midst.
The 12 Days of Christmas - Hawaiian style
On the First day of Christmas my Tutu (grandmother) give(sic) to me - One Mynah Bird in one Papaya Tree
2nd day - Two Coconuts
3rd day - Three Dried Squid
4th day - Four Flower Leis
5th day - Five Big Fat Pigs
6th day - Six Hula Lessons
7th day - Seven Shrimps a-swimming
8th day - Eight Ukuleles
9th day - Nine pounds of Poi
10th day - Ten Cans of Beer
11th day - Eleven Missionaries
12th day - Twelve Televisions
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 189 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Tue, Jan 4, 2000 (13:59) * 19 lines
From John-the-Shy...
An old cowboy went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there
sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to
the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding
cattle." He then asked her what she was.
She replied, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I
eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and
asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
lesbian!"
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 190 of 238: Alexander (aschuth) * Wed, Jan 5, 2000 (10:17) * 1 lines
Now, where's the chief?
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 191 of 238: Paul Terry Walhus (terry) * Wed, Jan 5, 2000 (11:37) * 1 lines
I'm a lesbian too, I love women.
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 192 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Wed, Jan 5, 2000 (15:27) * 1 lines
In that case that makes me gay, 'cause I love men! Fraught with misunderstanding possibilities...*grin*
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 193 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Wed, Jan 5, 2000 (16:00) * 9 lines
As to John: He wrote this in regards to the pleas on food for his return:
Please tell everybody hello. But Ray still has to talk to me and tell me
it's okay from his own mouth. That may or may not happen (I won't hold my
breath), but I don't feel like another threatening round of e-mails, whether
he means to make good on the threats or not.
Sorry I did not get your permission to post private email, but I thought you should know that this rather ordinary and truly peace-loving lady is still the cause of the absence from Spring of the best minds out there. I feel very sad and angry about that. It almost came to blows the other day...
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 194 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Wed, Jan 5, 2000 (16:03) * 1 lines
...make that SOME of the best minds...there a great number of them in here and the loss of even one is a tragedy to me...and we know it is more than one....
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 195 of 238: Paul Terry Walhus (terry) * Sun, Jan 9, 2000 (09:13) * 2 lines
I hope all these great minds can resolve whatever differences and join
together again. Y'all are too cool to have differences that rip us apart.
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 196 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Sun, Jan 9, 2000 (13:06) * 1 lines
This is for sure. I think I shall make it mandatory this weekend upcoming that to have my cooperation with his relatives, that O'O will talk to John IRL. I make very few requests from him, but this one I shall insist on. Don't have a clue about the other and I am staying as far from that as I possibly can.
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 197 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Wed, Jan 19, 2000 (19:48) * 26 lines
From the Man, Himself!
ALL-TIME GREAT COUNTRY-WESTERN TITLES
1. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
2. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
4. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
5. She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
7. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
8. Drop-Kick Me Jesus Through The Goalposts Of Life
9. Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
10. If You Don't Leave Me Alone I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
11. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
12. I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
13. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.
14. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking
My Heart.
15. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight Because I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. They May Put Me In Prison But They Can't Stop My Face From Breaking Out
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 198 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Wed, Jan 19, 2000 (20:57) * 22 lines
There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very
religious man. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town,
and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man
in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says
"No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat
comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies,
"No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a
helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim
to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman
says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and
is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care
of me! What happened?"
God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 199 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Thu, Jan 20, 2000 (22:33) * 25 lines
From the man Himself again:
Winners of a New York magazine contest were asked to take a well-known
expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a
definition for the new expression. The result is the following.
=======
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you're Scottish
HARLEY-VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO: Lost in the mail.
VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM: I think; therefore I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead.
QUE SERA SERF: Life is a feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT: JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous.
PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown (or politician, your call)
MON AGE A TROIS: I am three years old.
FELIX NAVIDAD: Our cat has a boat.
HASTE CUISINE: Fast French food.
QUIP PRO QUO: A fast retort.
ALOHA OY: Love, greetings, farewell: from such a pain you should never know.
IL DEUCE: The second banana.
AD HOCK: A commercial pitch.
______________________________________________________
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 200 of 238: Alexander (aschuth) * Sun, Jan 23, 2000 (15:07) * 4 lines
"HARLEY-VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle?"
Name one! Great cars, ok, but bikes?
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 201 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Sun, Jan 23, 2000 (15:40) * 1 lines
Cannot!...but it is the only language which fit...
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 202 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Thu, Feb 10, 2000 (13:07) * 54 lines
John's comment: I don't know if this is a true story or urban legend--it is, however, classic in a sick way.
Granny Hunts Down, Carefully Identifies and Shoots in Groin Men who
Raped her Granddaughter
MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so
ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she
tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot their testicles off!
"The old lady spent a week hunting those bums down -- and when she found
them, she took revenge on them in her own special way," said admiring
Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. "Then she took a taxi to the
nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as
calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never
rape anybody again, by God.'
Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his
penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in
the seedy hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29,
were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom
come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, policy said.
"The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to
said he won't be using it the way he used to," Detective Delp told
reporters. "Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just
happy to be alive after what they've been through."
The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter
Debbie was carjacked and raped by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of
town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that
night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those
bastards myself 'cause I figured the police would go easy on them," recalled
the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because
I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' it all my life."
So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's
description of the sickos' car, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling
the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place until she spotted
the ill-fated rapists entering their fleabag hotel.
"I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway
and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them," the
ornery oldster recalled. "So I went back to that hotel and found their room
and knocked on the door -- and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the
door, I shot 'em both right square between the legs, right where it would
really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went down to the police station and
turned myself in."
Now, baffled lawmen are tying to figure out how to deal with the vigilante
granny. "What she did was wrong, but you can't really throw an 81-year-old
woman in prison." Det. Delp said, "especially when all 3 million people in
the city want to nominate her for sainthood."
______________________________________________________
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 203 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Thu, Mar 16, 2000 (11:46) * 8 lines
The Maiden's Prayer
Forgive me for what I did Last Night.
It was the drinks that threw me.
Make me what I was Before.
O'h Please Dear God.
Un'Screw Me.
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 204 of 238: Riette (Ree) * Thu, Mar 16, 2000 (12:39) * 2 lines
PAAAAH!!!
That's a good one!!
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 205 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Thu, Mar 16, 2000 (13:56) * 2 lines
Alas, it is not that easy...Though I knew a girl in college who was able to convince many gullible young men that she was - on successive nights, no less. They must have been straight off the farm or really wanted to believe the myth.
Whatever, she had three fraternity pins and 2 engagement rings from guys who thought they were her one and only! (all from different colleges, of course!)
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 206 of 238: Riette (Ree) * Fri, Mar 17, 2000 (12:44) * 1 lines
my my ... what a talented young mistress of disguise ...
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 207 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Fri, Mar 17, 2000 (13:52) * 2 lines
Mistress is definitely the operative word. At the college both she and I attended she was known as anyone's good time... I wonder what became of her?!
Bet she married a hig-powered political manipulator. She would have been be a perfect hostess in a situation like that!
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 208 of 238: Maggie (sociolingo) * Fri, Mar 17, 2000 (13:59) * 1 lines
I think I must have led a very sheltered life ....... *grin*
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 209 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Fri, Mar 17, 2000 (14:41) * 1 lines
..So did I...Dormitory life was a real eye-opener. I am still leading a sheltered life with my very own self-appointed morality watchdog!
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 210 of 238: Maggie (sociolingo) * Fri, Mar 17, 2000 (14:46) * 1 lines
I was actually joking!!!!!!!!!! As a youth counsellor I guess you could say I've seen life in the raw (too many morning's after, relationship probs. you name it I've had it). Am I sheltered now? Not sure?
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 211 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Sat, Mar 18, 2000 (14:35) * 1 lines
Your own personal self has not experienced these things is what I meant. I have heard just about everything, as well - hang around freshman college kids a while and you become a surrogate mom-cum-big sister...as close to any of these problems as I ever wish to get!
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 212 of 238: Maggie (sociolingo) * Thu, Mar 23, 2000 (13:12) * 1 lines
I think I'll stay sheltered!!!! *grin*
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 213 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Thu, Mar 23, 2000 (13:49) * 1 lines
Safest that way unless you have an expert guide. Then, it can be an adventure of a lifetime...*sigh*
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 214 of 238: Maggie (sociolingo) * Thu, Mar 23, 2000 (16:56) * 1 lines
Getting too old for adventures! *sigh*
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 215 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Thu, Mar 23, 2000 (17:35) * 3 lines
When they nail down the lid is when I'd admit to that, but I am not the one who is going to darkest Africa in a little while...where they are having wars and plagues, famine and pestilence. Talk about adventures?! Sheesh!
Wish John would come back - but he knows how time-stealing being on the Spring can really be. *sigh*
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 216 of 238: Maggie (sociolingo) * Fri, Mar 24, 2000 (01:27) * 1 lines
Mmm I'm still in trouble - but not that sort!
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 217 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Fri, Mar 24, 2000 (14:09) * 1 lines
How did your unpleasant encounter go this morning - bright and early, as I recall...?
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 218 of 238: Maggie (sociolingo) * Fri, Mar 24, 2000 (14:31) * 1 lines
Seems a long time ago now. He was with me two and half hours, wanted all my output charts transferred to Excel which I had to do there and then - and i hate working with someone breathing down my neck. He's got a lot of work to do to finish things off. He'd like me to do more work for free, but I''ve said my thesis has to come first. I've already put in a lot of unpaid hours. I really don't have time and energy. This project has really wacked me out. Anyway, I gave him the invoice and a cheque should be forthcoming soon. I felt a bit aimless after he'd gone. I'd been pushing so hard to finish it was a real anticlimax.
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 219 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Fri, Mar 24, 2000 (16:49) * 1 lines
Sheesh! Nothing like working under the gun. Never mind! You survived and you will be paid. That is the good news. *hugs*
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 220 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Fri, Mar 24, 2000 (16:52) * 32 lines
From John:
Everyone knows Barney,... that cute purple dinosaur.
But here's something that you may not know:
1. Start with the given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2. Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway)
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3. Extract all Roman Numerals:
CV V L DI V
4. Convert these into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5. Add these numbers up:
100
5
5
50
500
1
+ 5
----
666
There you have it:
A mathematical proof that Barney is the Antichrist!
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 221 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Mon, Apr 10, 2000 (16:02) * 36 lines
From The Man, Himself:
A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of
Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she gave the
ticket to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning she asked him
how he had enjoyed it. Instead of a few observations about the symphony in
general, she was handed a formal memorandum which read as follows:
1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their
number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra,
avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded
duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a volume of
sound is really required, this could be accomplished with the use of an
amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This appears to be an
excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to
the nearest 8th note. If this were done it would be possible to use
para-professionals instead of experienced musicians.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has
already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were
eliminated then the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty
minutes.
5. The symphony had two movements. If Mr. Schubert didn't achieve his
musical goals by the end of the first movement,then he should have stopped
there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. Schubert given
attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the
symphony.
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 222 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Tue, May 16, 2000 (14:46) * 43 lines
This came to me from John - the least I could do was to post it here:
The Saga of Management Reviews
Question: How many feet do mice have?
Original Reply: Mice have four feet.
Mgmt comment: Elaborate.
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, four of which are feet.
Mgmt comment: No discussion of fifth appendage.
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a
tail.
Mgmt comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per mouse.
Mgmt comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per
body.
Mgmt comment: Does not fully discuss the issue.
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is
equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped
with a foot.
Mgmt comment: Descriptive but not decisive.
Revision 6: Allotment for mice will be: FOUR LEG-FOOT ASSEMBLIES, ONE TAIL.
Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute
misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Mgmt comment: Too authoritative, stifles creativity.
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to
the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non functional and ornamental in
nature.
Mgmt comment: Too verbose and scientific. Answer the question.
Final Revision: Mice have four feet.
Mgmt comment: Approved.
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 223 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Fri, Jun 2, 2000 (19:36) * 48 lines
This came to me from John so I am posting it here for your entertainment:
I thought, just in case Dr. Laura doesn't answer this, someone else may have
answers to these religious questions:
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
Have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge
with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the
homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus
18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do
need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and
how to best follow them.
a. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates
a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
b. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her? (Ok, this is for a "friend")
c. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
d.. Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are
around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but
not Canadians. Can you clarify?
e.. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
kill him myself?
f.. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
Abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g.. Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.
Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident
you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal
and unchanging.
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 224 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Mon, Jun 5, 2000 (15:21) * 39 lines
This lovely bit from our John:
FEMALE CHAUVINIST STATEMENTS
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and
the noose.
Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE ... He just holds it up there and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to
women?
A: Exchange him.
Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A woman to show him how it all works.
Q: What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A: "My wife says..."
Q: Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
A: To keep them from grazing.
Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A: When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for
directions.
Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 225 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Thu, Jul 20, 2000 (22:33) * 25 lines
This came from John Burnett so I am posting it on his topic:
The City of Los Angeles is putting the finishing touches on its preparations to host the Democratic National Convention in August. Here are the top ten telltale signs that the Dems will be arriving any minute:
(10) Bars posting "Off Limits to Teddy" signs
(9) Tripp and Lewinsky both working corners on Hollywood Boulevard
(8) Homeless pushing red, white and blue shopping carts
(7) James Brolin announces his intention to run for Governor of
California…
(6) Hookers setting up car pools from Tijuana
(5) Secret Service presence causes rumors of a Blues Brothers concert
(4) Pinatas on telephone poles shaped like Geedubya
(3) President Clinton says to hell with the convention, I'm gonna party with Rodman!
(2) Taco Bell Chihuahua takes leak on Al Gore's leg…
and the number one telltale sign that the Dems might be arriving any minute:
Free Chinese buffet lines…
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 226 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Sun, Nov 19, 2000 (15:14) * 79 lines
I refuse to admit I'm posting this one:
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And
Northeastern Urbanites:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther
Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or
we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC,
Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.
Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally
a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll
kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex,
Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do,
sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke,
Barnes, Bush). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not
dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett
up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of
Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the
carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell
up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick
your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with
gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will
get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
know better. Many of us have visited Northern shitholes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it
gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are
saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone,
or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR
scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such
things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our
sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners
into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore.
Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how
to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is
kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our
barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass!
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 227 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Sun, Oct 28, 2001 (17:07) * 87 lines
Happy Birthday John!
Old Age Ain't No Place For Sissies
The hardest years in life are those between ten and
seventy. [Helen Hayes, at 73]
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them
as stray eyebrows. [Janette Barber]
Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I
hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send
it to someone. [Jan King]
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never
owned a car. [Carrie Snow]
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry
with your girlfriends. [Laurie Kuslansky]
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first
being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. [Erma Bombeck]
Old age ain't no place for sissies. [Bette Davis]
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must
do what he can't. [Rhonda Hansome]
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. [Jane
Sellman]
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in
through the windows. [Jennifer Unlimited]
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together
and your body starts falling apart. [Caryn Leschen]
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several
days attack me at once. [Jennifer Unlimited]
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to
be a horrible warning. [Catherine Aird]
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded
kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss
and they called ME slow! [Kathy Buckley]
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I
know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. [Dolly Parton]
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you
hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. [Erica Jong]
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing
them. [Sue Grafton]
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can
ride on. [RoseanneBarr]
I think - therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. [Elayne Boosler]
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
[Maryon Pearson]
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to
combine marriage and a career. [Gloria Steinem]
I never married because there was no need. I have three
pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog
that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat
that comes home late every night. [Marie Corelli]
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose
around your neck? [Linda Ellerbee]
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I
keep his house. (Eva Garbor)
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your
permission. [Eleanor Rosevelt]
_____________________________________________
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 228 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Sun, Dec 16, 2001 (21:08) * 103 lines
This is a version of "A Visit From St. Nicholas" I recently published in a Big Island rag called "Hawaii Island Journal." It's not by any means the equal of the original, but at the risk of immodesty, I think it's not half bad.
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all was serene
the night air was fresh
and the palm trees were green.
There were red trails of lava
all down Kilauea,
the only snow found
was atop Mauna Kea.
Beautiful, yes…
but a Christmassy setting?
If Santa came here
it's for sure he'd be sweating.
With all the tin roofs
not a chimney was found
so the reindeer would have
to land right on the ground.
No, I'm not a cynic
but it's hard to believe
when it's 70 Fahrenheit
on Christmas eve.
Yes, that was the circumstance
as I retired,
so please pardon me
if I seem uninspired.
No sugar plum fairies
to dance in my head
so I dreamed of haupia
and pao duce sweet bread.
I awoke to a noise
that came from my own house.
It wasn't the stirring
of some little mouse.
I expected a fat man
bent down by my tree,
I wasn't prepared
for the sight I would see.
A shaggy-haired guy
took the rum off my shelves,
he was with menehune
instead of some elves.
He mixed rum with some Coke
and started his ventage,
he said "Suck 'em up, Brah,
'cause I get percentage."
The guy looked familiar,
his smile was disarming,
he might be a burglar
but still he was charming.
I wondered if I was
alive, dead or dreaming,
there was something about him
that kept me from screaming.
He stirred his concoction
with a swizzle stick,
and smiled as he said,
"You expecting St. Nick?"
He broke into song;
it was not "Jingle Bells."
He sang "Tiny Bubbles"
and then "Pearly Shells."
He said, "You're as lucky
as lucky can be.
I always charge cover,
Tonight, though, it's free."
Then the head menehune,
You know, Sam Kapu,
said "It's time to leave, Boss,
we've got more shows to do."
So Kapu snapped his fingers
and out of nowhere,
a big flying longboard
appeared from thin air.
They all climbed aboard
and as they turned to go
I heard, "Goodnight to all,
and a Don Ho-Ho-Ho!"
--by John Burnett © 2001
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 229 of 238: Wolf (wolf) * Sat, Jan 5, 2002 (22:15) * 3 lines
/
(had to get rid of the bolding)
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 230 of 238: Wolf (wolf) * Sat, Jan 5, 2002 (22:16) * 1 lines
*oops*
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 231 of 238: Marcia (MarciaH) * Sat, Jan 5, 2002 (22:31) * 1 lines
Thanks! Did I do that? Probably! Aloha nui, John Burnett! (if you ever wander this way.) We miss your stimulating posts.
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 232 of 238: GeoNymph (MarciaH) * Fri, Mar 7, 2003 (15:42) * 0 lines
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 233 of 238: GeoNymph (MarciaH) * Fri, Mar 7, 2003 (15:51) * 59 lines
Brian Shul ... A Vietnam era USAF fighter pilot, 212 combat missions, shot down near the end of the war, was so badly burned that he was given next to no chance to live. He did live, went on to fly SR-71s and completed a 20 year career in the Air Force. He has written four books on aviation and runs a photo studio. Sometimes someone says something you would have liked to say and does it better than you ever could.His words below ... This just about says it all ... you decide. Also included are some prefacing remarks from a couple of people in the line who passed it on to me. If I had the power to do so, I would make the below article "Mandatory"-no, not Required, but Mandatory Reading for every man, woman and child over 7, in our whole country; and for those who were not literate, I'd have it read to them. It will probably take you about 5 minutes to read, but well worth it.-Brian Shul,sure can express himself.
John Taber, Lt.Col., U.S. Army Veterinary Corps, Fellow Q.B., and Aerobatic pilot extraordinaire I saw Brian Shul speak once (at the NAS Jax Naval Hospital Christmas Ball). He spoke that day about the value of compassion in medicine.He talked about how he was so horribly burned and disfigured that even the docs and the nurses turned away from him, and about how the human attention meant so much to him at that point that he would resort to trickery to try and engage the medical staff. The example he gave was of the time he had someone make a large sign that said "kisses $1" which was then placed next to his bed. The smiles that folks flashed after reading the sign was enough to keep him going. It took him a year to get out of the hospital and yet he went on to fly A-7s, A-10s, and finally the SR-71. If you're a fan of Naval Aviation and the Blue Angels and you don't own a copy of his photo album "Blue Angels a Portrait in Gold" you are missing out on some of the best photographs ever taken of the world
s best formation aerobatic team. At any rate, the attached speech by Brian is right on and should be posted on every bulletin board. JT Brian Shul's Chico Rally Address: October Thank you for the opportunity to address this rally today. It is not often that a fighter pilot is asked to be the keynote speaker. There is a rumor that they are unable to put two sentences together coherently. I'd like to dispel that rumor today by saying that I can do that, and in fact that I have written several books. I always wanted to be an author,and I "ARE" one now.
I'm a pretty lucky person really. I'm like the little boy who tells his father that when he grows up he wants to be a jet pilot, and his father replies, "Sorry son, you can't do both." I made that choice a long time ago and flew the jets. I was fortunate to live my dream, and then some. I survived something I shouldn't have, and today, tell people that I am 28 years old, as it has been that long since I was released from the hospital.
It was like I received a second life, and in the past 28 years, I have gotten to see and do much, so much that I would not have thought possible. Returning to fly jets in the Air Force, flying the SR-71 on spy missions, spending a year with the Blue Angels, running my own photo studio ... and so much more. And now, seeing our country attacked in such a heinous way. Some of you here today have heard me speak before,and know that I enjoy sharing my aviation slide show. I have brought no slides to show you, as I feel compelled today, to address different issues concerning this very difficult time in our nation's history.
I stand before you today, not as some famous person, or war hero. I am far from that. You know, they say a good landing is one you can walk away from, and a really great one is when you can use the airplane again.
Well, I did neither ......... and I speak to you today as simply a fellow American citizen.
Like you, I was horrified at the events of September 11th. But I was not totally surprised that such a thing could happen, or that there were people in the world who would perpetrate such deeds, willingly, against us. Having sat through many classified briefings while in the Air Force, I was all too aware of the threat, and I can assure you, it has always been there in one form or another. And those of you who have served in the defense of this nation, know all too well the response that is needed.
In every fighter squadron I was in, there was a saying that we knew to be true, that said, when there was a true enemy, you negotiate with that enemy with your knee in his chest and your knife at his throat. Many people are unfamiliar with this way of thinking, and shrink from its ramifications. War is such a messy business, and there are many who want no part of it, but rush to bask in the security blanket of its victory.
I spent an entire military career fighting Communism, and was very proud to do so. We won that war, we beat one of the worst scourges to humankind the world has known. But it took a great effort, over many years of sustained vigilance and much sacrifice by so many whose names you will never know. And perhaps our nation, so weary from so long a cold war, relaxed too much and felt the world was a safer place with the demise of the Soviet Union. We indulged ourselves in our own lives, and gave little thought to the threats to our national security. You know, normally my talks are laced with numerous jokes as I share my stories, but I have very few jokes to tell this afternoon. These murdering fanatics came into our land, lived among our people, flew on our planes, crashed them into our buildings, and killed thousands of our citizens. And nowhere along their gruesome path were they questioned or stopped. The joke is on us. We allowed this country to become soft.
We shouldn't really be too surprised that this could happen. Did we really think that we could keep electing officials who put self above nation and this would make us stronger? Did we really think that a strong economy adequately replaced a strong intelligence community? Did we imagine that a President who practically gave away the store on his watch, was insuring national security? While our country was mired in the wasted excess of a White House sex scandal, the drums of war beat loudly in foreign lands, and we were deaf. Our response was to give the man two terms in office, and even then barely half the American public exercised their right to vote. We have only ourselves to blame. Our elected officials are merely a reflection of our own values and what we deem important.
Did we not realize that America had become a laughing stock around the world? We had lost credibility, even among our allies. To our enemies we had no resolve. We made a lot of money, watched a lot of TV, and understood little about what was happening beyond our shores.
We were, simply, an easy target. But we are a country awakened now. We have been attacked in our homeland. We have now felt the reality of what an unstable and dangerous world it truly is. And still, in the face of this unprecedented carnage in our most prominent city, there are those who choose to take this opportunity to protest, and even burn the flag.
If I were the regents or alumni of certain large universities in this county, I would be embarrassed to be producing students of such ignorance and naive notions. Like mindless sheep, they march with painted faces and trite sayings on signs, blissfully ignorant of the world they live in, and the system that protects them, hoping maybe to make the evening news. Perhaps if they had spent more time in class they would have learned that those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it. They might have learned that all it takes for evil to succeed in the world, is for good people to stand by and do nothing. If they had simply gone back in history as recently as the Viet Nam War, they would have learned that an enemy that knows it can never defeat us militarily, will persist as long as there is dissension and disruption in our land. Their ignorance can be understood, as their young empty minds have been filled with the rewritten history tripe that tenured leftist professors can spew out with no fear of r
moval. But the unwitting aid they provide the enemy, in disrupting the national resolve, is unforgivable.
I think this is a wonderful country, though, that gives everyone their voice of dissension. I am all for people expressing their views publicly because it makes it much easier for us to identify the truly foolish, and to know who cannot be counted on in times of crisis. These are the weak and cowardly who, when the enemy is crashing through the front door, will cower in the back room, counting on better men than themselves to make and keep them free. Well, the enemy is at our front door, and isn't it interesting that those who cry loudest and most often for their rights, are usually those least willing to defend it.
I heard a student on TV the other day say that this war just wasn't in his plans and he would simply head to Canada if a draft occurred. Just wasn't in his plans. I wonder what plans the young men at the beaches of Normandy had that they never got to live. I wonder if it was in the plans of 19-year-old boys in Viet Nam to lie dying in a jungle far from home. I guess the men and women at Pearl Harbor one morning had their plans slightly rearranged too. Gee, I hope we haven't inconvenienced this student. Those people in the World Trade Center have no more plans. It is up to us to have a plan now. And it isn't going to be easy. Who ever said it would?
Just what part of our history spoke of how easy it was to form a free nation? It has never been easy and has always required vigilance and sacrifice, and sometimes war, to preserved this union. If it were easy, everyone would have done it. But no one else has, and we stand alone as the most unique country on earth. And isn't it amazing that we have spent a generation stamping God out of our schools and government, and now as a nation, have collectively turned to God in memorial services, prayer vigils and churches around this country. I am also very disturbed to hear that there are people in this country, at this particular time, who feel it inappropriate to wear the flag on their lapel because they are on the news or in a public job, and school officials who want to remove pro-American stickers so as not to offend foreign students. Well, I am offended that these people call themselves Americans. I am offended that innocent people were killed in a mass attack of unthinkable proportions. And I am off
nded at listening to TV broadcasters speak to me condescendingly, with a bias that screams of their drowning in a cesspool of political correctness. I pity the person who thinks they are going to remove this flag from my lapel. This flag of ours is the symbol of all that is good about this country.
America is an idea. It is an idea lived, and fought for, by a people. We are America, and this is our symbol. We are imperfect in many ways, but we continue to strive toward the ideal our forefathers laid down for us over 225 years ago. I could never imagine desecrating that symbol. Perhaps there are many people in this nation who have never been abroad, or in harms way, and seen the flag upon their return. Those poor souls can never know the deep pride and honor one feels to see it wave, to know that there is still a good ol' USA. With all our warts we are still the greatest nation on earth, and the flag is the most powerful symbol of that greatness.
When I was in grade school, we used to say the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. It is something I never forgot. I wonder how many children even know that pledge today.
This flag is our history, our dreams, our accomplishments, indelibly expressed in bright red, white, and blue. This flag was carried in our Revolutionary War, although it had many less stars. But it persevered and evolved throughout a war we had no right to believe we could win. But we did, and built a country around it. This flag, tattered and battle worn, waved proudly from the mast, as John Paul Jones showed the enemy what true resolve was. This banner was raised by the hands of brave men on a godforsaken island called Iwo Jima, and became a part of the most famous photo of the
20th Century. Those men are all dead now, but their legacy lives on in the Marine Memorial in Washington, DC. Those of you who have seen it will recall that inscribed within the stone monument are the words - When Uncommon Valor Was A Common Virtue - I don't believe you'll see the words, "it was easy," anywhere on it. This flag has even been to the moon, planted there for all time by men with a vision, and the courage to see it through.
I personally know what it is to see the flag, and feel something deep inside that makes you feel you are a part of something much bigger than yourself. Laying in a hospital bed, I can vividly recall looking out the only window in the room and on Sundays, seeing that big garrison flag flying proudly in the breeze. It filled the entire window, and filled my heart with a motivation that helped me leave that bed, and enabled me to be standing here today. And many years later, while fighting another terrorist over Libya, my backseater and I outraced Khaddafi's missiles in our SR-71 as we headed for the Mediterranean, and I can still clearly see that American flag patch on the shoulder of my space suit, staring at me in the rear view mirror as we headed west, and it was a good feeling. Now don't ask me why we had rear view mirrors in the world's fastest jet; I can assure you, no one was gaining on us that day.
I am so happy to see so many flags out here today. Long may it wave. History will judge us. How we confront this chapter of American history will be important for the future of this great nation. This will be a war like none other we have endured. The combatants will not just be the soldier on the battlefront, but will be fought by us the citizens. We are on the battlefield now; the war has been brought to us. We will determine the outcome of this war by how well we remain vigilant, how patient we are with tightened security, how well we support the economy, and most important, in the resolve we show the enemy. There are some things worth fighting for, and this country is one of them. I pray for our leaders at this time. In the Pacific, during WW II, Admiral Bull Halsey said, "There are no great men, just great circumstances, and how they handle those circumstances will determine the outcome of history." Our future and the future of coming generations are in our hands. Wars are not won just on mili
ary fronts, but by the resolve of the people. We must remain tenaciously strong in the pursuit of this enemy that threatens free people everywhere.
I am encouraged that we will win this war. Even before the first shot was finished being fired, there were brave Americans on Flight 93, fighting back. These people were the first true heroes of this conflict, and gave their lives to save their fellow countrymen.
This nation, this melting pot of humanity, this free republic, must be preserved. This idea that is America is important enough to be defended. Fought for. Even died for. The enemy fears what you have, for if their people ever become liberated into a free society, tyrannical dictatorships will cease and he will lose power. How can they ever understand this country of ours, so self-indulgent and diverse, yet when attacked, so united in the defense of its principles?
This is the greatest country in the world because brave people sacrificed to make it that way. We are a collective mix of greatness and greed, hi-tech and heartland. We are the country of Mickey Mouse and Mickey Mantle; from John Smith and Pocahontas to John Glen and an Atlas booster; from Charles Lindbergh to Charley Brown; from Moby Dick to Microsoft; we are a nation that went from Kitty Hawk to Tranquility Base in less than
70 years; we are rock and roll, and the Bill of Rights; we are where everyone else wants to be, the greatest nation in the world. The enemy does not understand the dichotomy of our society, but they should understand this; we will bandage our wounds, we will bury our dead; and then we will come for you.......and we will destroy you and all you stand for.
I read this quote recently and would like to share it with you: "We are pressed on every side, but not crushed, Perplexed, but not in despair, Persecuted, but not abandoned, Struck down, but not destroyed." That is from II Corinthians. Not too long ago it would have been politically incorrect to quote from the Bible. I am so happy to be politically INCORRECT. And I am so proud to be an American.
Thank you all for coming out today and showing your support for your government, and your nation. You are the true patriots, you are the soldiers of this war, you are the strength of America.
Brian Shul Chico, California
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 234 of 238: S B Robinson (SBRobinson) * Fri, Mar 28, 2003 (18:18) * 5 lines
I am so proud to be an American
*wild applause*
Me Too! :-)
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 235 of 238: GeoNymph (MarciaH) * Sun, Mar 30, 2003 (20:10) * 167 lines
This original poem from JohnBurnett:
"Shock and Awe" (with apologies to Dr. Seuss
by John Burnett
In Baghdad in the Middle East
There lived a man who was a beast
A leader ruthless and insane
Who called himself Saddam Hussein.
Saddam was evil beyond words
He gassed some people known as Kurds
And to the horror of us all
He murdered his own son in law.
Next to Iraq there was a state
Geographers knew as Kuwait
A place with oil that was so rich
It gave Saddam a nasty itch
For even though he had no need
His heart was filled with oil-fueled greed.
Saddam said, "No I cannot wait
To take the oil that’s in Kuwait
I’ll send my troops across the border
They’ll wreak chaos in short order
Then I’ll launch SCUDS into the night
And they’ll give up without a fight."
In Washington there was a man
Who had a vision for his land
Where gas was cheap and flowing free
To fill up every SUV
But with Saddam in charge of oil
It set George Bush’s blood aboil.
He chased the tyrant from Kuwait
To liberate the oil-rich state
And then again the oil flowed free
To power U.S. industry
The war was done, there was no need
To kill Saddam, they all agreed.
A decade passed Saddam remained
Still power hungry and insane
He was accused of mass production
Weapons meant for mass destruction
Though he agreed to be inspected
The U.N. guys he misdirected.
The U.N. sent a guy named Blix
To stop Saddam and end his tricks
And find the plants of mass production
Weapons meant for mass destruction
Hard evidence Blix could find none
"Not good enough," said Bush the son.
"You know Saddam, the man’s a liar
who set Kuwait’s oil fields afire
Yes he is evil, mean and bad
He even tried to kill my dad
I know that he has backed Osama
And that just gives me major trauma.
"So send a message to Iraq
They’ve got two days or I’ll attack
Surrender now or abdicate
It is your choice, I will not wait
And if you don’t do what I say
The Gulf War will look like child’s play.
"Now since Saddam chose to resist
I’ll keep my word, I must insist
He’ll find out about real production
Weapons meant for mass destruction
Missiles, bombs, both smart and cluster
Not to mention bunker busters
From the sky, a fiery rain
Will help root out Saddam Hussein.
"So send the bombs of shock and awe
Just like I promised my dear pa
I’ll rain destruction on his head
I won’t stop till Saddam is dead.
For me, it’s glorious panacea
Are you listening, North Korea?"
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 236 of 238: Wolf (wolf) * Sat, May 10, 2003 (10:00) * 1 lines
*APPLAUSE* that is great!!!!!!
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 237 of 238: GeoNymph (MarciaH) * Fri, May 16, 2003 (01:20) * 1 lines
Our Guy, John is ever sharp and insightful. I'll let him know you appreciated his poem!
Topic 169 of 177 [screwed]: <b>Screwed welcomes John Burnett</b>
Response 238 of 238: GeoNymph (MarciaH) * Thu, Sep 4, 2003 (10:25) * 31 lines
From the good man himself:
SADDAM'S OFFSPRING
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to
the attention of American authorities.
Among the brothers:
Sooflay ............the restaurateur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the Internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray.............the radiologist
Puray...............the blender factory owner
Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay...............the one with bad hair
Among the sisters:
Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway............the grocery store owner
Olay...............the half-Mexican sister
Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.
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